Dishwashing- A Post From Dan

15 Jan

Dishwashing – The Hobby I Never Wanted

I wish I could just shut-up and accept my fate about my new hobby, but not complaining about something work-like just isn’t… me.  Let me give you some background, so you can see how all this started.  Terry and I agreed a couple of years ago that she would do the laundry if I would keep the kitchen clean.  Though keeping the kitchen clean is a 7-day a week job and laundry is a one, maybe two day a week job, I thought our arrangement was quite fair.  For me, folding clothes is like having someone pull your beard out one hair at a time (it took a long time for me to convince Terry that pulling my beard out is NOT a cute couple-thing).  Besides, if you clean as you go, the kitchen is pretty easy to keep. And Terry hates doing dishes, so things were going relatively smoothly.  I say “relatively” because I always kind of felt like Terry was taking advantage of the situation just a little bit.  Sometimes it was small things like lobbing her breakfast dishes in the sink, so I come home to a plate covered in dried egg yolk, which, as I’m sure you know, you need sandpaper and a blowtorch to get off.  Sometimes it was bigger things, I doubt most of you have ever seen her cook, but if you have you know it’s like the Tasmanian Devil prepared your dinner.  I have no complaints about the food, she can cook, but she uses every pot, pan and frappin’ kitchen utensil possible (some you didn’t even know you had) and then either leaves them on the counter or piles so much in the sink you can’t possible wash anything (or sometimes both).  So it was in this culture of culinary excess with no thought for the domestic consequences that she began her cake “hobby” (saying Terry has a hobby is like saying Dr. Frankenstein had a pet project).

The post-cake apocalypse is like a game of chicken, she makes this incredible mess (like a powdered-sugar grenade blew up a butter-cream family) and then leaves it, thinking Dan will clean it (because that’s his job).  But I ask you, why is it my job to clean up after her hobby, and on top of that it’s usually for a cake I’m not even going to eat?  So I wait thinking, she’ll start cleaning any minute.  It gets to be like 9 o’clock, my fingers start tapping, and my leg starts shaking, because I know the kitchen is going to take at least an hour to clean and I’m ready for bed.  In the meantime, Terry is taking her 87th picture of the cake, playing with the lighting and god knows what all and is seemingly wholly unconcerned that our kitchen looks like Al Pacino’s desk in Scarface.  So to avoid the metaphorical head-on collision, I swerve and clean so we don’t wake up to ants sledding and throwing powdered-sugar “snowballs” at each other.  And through this vicious cycle, I have begun my new hobby.

Had I just stood my ground that first time and not reinforced this behavior, maybe I wouldn’t be Igor to her Dr. Frankenstein, tottering around, all hunched over from washing to many dishes, saying things like “Master do you really need to use an ENTIRE bag of sugar to roll out that fondant?”

“OF COURSE I DO, FOOL!  MUAHAHAHAHAHA!” she has an especially depraved evil-laugh, by the way.


2 Responses to “Dishwashing- A Post From Dan”

  1. Mom S. January 15, 2010 at 10:15 pm #

    OH Dan, Mom had such great hopes for you in the culinary world! Do not despair. Do like your Dad and just forget how to do what you don’t want to do. It works for him sometimes!! He tries to be a good role model for you, son. Just trust his lead and start making chocolate covered ants. OR Do like your mother and bark out, “The torture!” That’s the signal for some kind of perverse attack on the sleeping partner! That works too : ) Don’t let Terry see this or she might cut you off at the pass. Love, Mom


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